How to deal with your friend’s pregnancy if you have fertility problems?

By (embryologist).
Last Update: 10/25/2023

Finding out about a friend's pregnancy when you have fertility issues can be news that causes a mix of emotions that you may find difficult to manage. You feel joy, but also frustration, anger...

On the other hand, when you want to tell a friend who is having fertility problems that you are pregnant, there may be some hesitation about how to do it, since you don't want to hurt her.

In this article we will discuss both cases: how to deal with the news of a friend's pregnancy when you have fertility problems and how to announce your pregnancy to a friend who you know is having trouble getting pregnant.

Infertility and pregnancy of a friend

If you have fertility issues, having a friend tell you she is pregnant can be a difficult thing to manage. You would love to feel joy, but the truth is that this feeling is confused and mixed with frustration, pain, anger... and you get totally blocked.

This reaction is normal, since what you want the most and what you are having such a hard time getting, it seems that everyone else gets it easily. Therefore, you should know that you are not a bad person for feeling this way.

Although you may not be as happy as you would like to be for your friend, you do not wish her any ill will or have negative feelings toward her. This feeling of loss, of emptiness, is completely normal when such an important life project is cut short. You are going through a mourning, because of the unfulfilled desire for motherhood.

As recommendations for handling this news, we can give you the following:

  • Talk to that friend, get it off your chest. This way, you will get him to understand you better and, in addition, you will feel more liberated. You can also do it with other people with whom you are comfortable.
  • Take care of yourself physically and, of course, emotionally. This means that you should not attend, for example, a baby shower if you don't feel like it. You can confidently explain to your friend that you will not be comfortable, but that you will meet her another time. I'm sure you will understand.

In addition, you can seek the help of a psychologist. Receiving this news is likely to overwhelm you, so do not hesitate to turn to professionals who can help you if it is affecting you too much.

Announcing a pregnancy to a friend with infertility

If you have a friend with fertility problems, you may find it complicated and difficult to tell her that you have become pregnant. You know it's going to be hard for her, but you don't want to hide it from her because of your friendship.

Besides, it doesn't make sense, since sooner or later she will end up finding out about your pregnancy, or even find out from other people (which will be even worse). Therefore, it is important to have a conversation with that friend to tell her before she finds out about your pregnancy in another way and your friendship is damaged.

Here are some tips for telling your friend with infertility problems that you are pregnant.

6 recommendations you can follow

When telling a friend who has fertility problems that you are pregnant, you may find it helpful to keep these recommendations in mind:

  • Stay in a quiet place where, preferably, there are no other people and the atmosphere is relaxed. It may be a good idea to tell him beforehand that you have news to give him. This way, maybe your friend can imagine what it's all about and can get a first glimpse alone of how she would feel about the news.
  • Avoid telling her that it was easy, that you were not looking for pregnancy for a long time, or that you were not even looking for it. These details are not necessary and, moreover, can cause a lot of pain to a person with fertility problems.
  • Omit any advice unless he asks for it.
  • Understand that even if he is happy for you, he may not show it at first. It is nothing against you, but an immense sense of loss, emptiness and frustration at their situation.
  • Ask her to guide you and tell you how to act from that moment on with everything related to your pregnancy, to avoid making her uncomfortable. In any case, you should not be constantly telling her about your pregnancy and, much less, complaining about the discomfort. A person with infertility problems is not the right person to encourage you at this stage.
  • Remind her that you won 't be angry if she doesn't come to events like the baby shower, because you understand that it's very hard for her, and that you can meet privately, make other plans and talk about other things.

Finally, don't be afraid to express that you know it's hard for her and that you understand. Maybe it can help your friend not to feel guilty about feeling the mix of feelings she's going to feel,

FAQs from users

Is it bad to be envious of someone else's pregnancy?

By Silvia Azaña Gutiérrez B.Sc., M.Sc. (embryologist).

When a woman encounters problems in getting pregnant, finding out about the pregnancy of a friend, family member, co-worker or simply an acquaintance is quite difficult to manage, especially if the pregnant woman is someone close to her.

The woman experiences an internal conflict because she feels that she should be happy for her pregnant friend, but she also feels frustration, anger and, to a certain extent, envy.

Therefore, the woman may wonder if she is a bad person for this or if what she has felt is wrong, but it is a normal mixture of feelings. Moreover, she does not wish the pregnant person ill, but it is a completely normal reaction generated by the feeling of loss and the grief of not getting pregnant.

In any case, if learning about someone else's pregnancy is affecting the woman with fertility problems too much, she should seek the help of a psychologist to deal with the situation in a healthier way.

When is it best to tell my friend with infertility about my pregnancy?

By Silvia Azaña Gutiérrez B.Sc., M.Sc. (embryologist).

There is no one best time to tell a friend who has fertility problems about a pregnancy. However, what is advisable is to tell her before she realises that you are hiding something from her and before she finds out about the pregnancy because it is already obvious or, even worse, from other people.

The recommendation is to do so when you are clear about what you are going to tell her and in a quiet and private place, avoiding details and advice and showing a lot of understanding.

Suggested for you

If you are undergoing fertility treatment and do not know whether to tell your friends and family, we recommend you to visit the following link: Do we tell that we are undergoing fertility treatment? To whom?

We make a great effort to provide you with the highest quality information.

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FAQs from users: 'Is it bad to be envious of someone else's pregnancy?' and 'When is it best to tell my friend with infertility about my pregnancy?'.

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 Silvia Azaña Gutiérrez
Silvia Azaña Gutiérrez
B.Sc., M.Sc.
Graduate in Health Biology from the University of Alcalá and specialized in Clinical Genetics from the same university. Master in Assisted Reproduction by the University of Valencia in collaboration with IVI clinics. More information about Silvia Azaña Gutiérrez
License: 3435-CV

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