Uncomfortable questions about fertility and assisted reproduction

When a couple of childbearing age does not have children, questions are often asked by those around them as to when they are going to have them. These questions usually make the couple feel very uncomfortable regardless of the reason for not having offspring, whether it is due to a lack of gestational desire, fertility problems or simply because they do not believe that the time has come.

However, it is especially hard and complicated when there are fertility problems, since the couple has seen their life project truncated and this generates an accumulation of feelings such as frustration, sadness, stress and anxiety? Therefore, in this case, comments or nosy questions can be even more annoying and even cause a lot of pain to the couple.

Why are certain questions uncomfortable?

Having offspring or not (and when to have them) is always a very personal and private matter, for which no one should have to give explanations. Therefore, it would be advisable to avoid any questions about it.

In addition, it is usual to be unaware of the particular situation of the couple to whom these comments are addressed.

It must be taken into account that a couple with fertility problems has spent some time looking for pregnancy in a natural way without achieving it, with the doubts, worry and stress (among many other sensations) that this period of uncertainty generates. Their life project is altered and this generates an emotional shock.

Why is it awkward to ask when they are going to have children?

On the other hand, the moment of deciding to go to an assisted reproduction clinic is not easy either. Similarly, it is complicated and distressing to wait for the results of the fertility study, as well as to receive the infertility diagnosis.

Finally, undergoing assisted reproduction treatment also affects the emotional level. The fears of something generally unknown, the uncertainty as to whether it will be successful or not, the nerves until the result of the pregnancy test is known, the despair if there have been failed attempts... are just some examples of the mixture of sensations that the couple may experience.

Comments to avoid

Asking a couple who have not had children when they are going to have them is always intrusive, as this is a very intimate topic. Therefore, comments such as the following should be avoided:

• Questions about when they are going to have children.
• The typical “you're going to grow out of it” phrase that is often said to women when they haven't had children by a certain age.
• Comments pressuring about being the only couple in the group of friends who have not yet had children and, not at all, trying to make fun of that situation.
• Phrases such as “let's see if the next time the family gets together we are one more”, very common at Christmas.

Comments that should not be made about fertility

Moreover, since the reasons why a couple does not have children are unknown (whether because they do not want to, because of fertility problems, because they have suffered previous abortions...), one should always be cautious, as these comments can even be cruel.

Comments to avoid during fertility treatment

The course of an assisted reproduction treatment is also a time when the couple may receive unfortunate comments.

Among them are:

• Playing it down with “don't worry, it's okay”. Giving up a life project generates a sense of loss and, therefore, grief. Downplaying the importance of the partner's situation will make it difficult to mourn due to the lack of support and understanding.
• Comparing with “I know someone who...”, “my neighbor's cousin's daughter...”. These comparisons should not be made. The couple's situation is probably different and it does not help to compare with other cases which, moreover, have nothing to do with each other.
• Giving advice if they do not ask for it. Although it may seem to be done with good intentions, it can be cruel and generate a lot of pain.
• Ask how long they have been trying. This is something that belongs to their privacy.
• Talk all the time about the assisted reproduction treatment, since it is preferable for the couple to decide what to tell and when.

Try to encourage them by telling them that they already have a pet. For the couple, even if they love their pet very much, it is in no way comparable to the common life project they had planned to have a child.

Phrases not to say to a partner with fertility problems

In addition, it is very common to hear: “relax and you will see how you get pregnant”. This phrase should be avoided for several reasons. On the one hand, it must be understood that this is not the case and that solving fertility problems is not so easy. On the other hand, this phrase can generate a great sense of guilt, since the woman may think that she is not getting pregnant because she is not able to reduce her worry and stress.

Recommendations for dealing with uncomfortable questions

If the partner does not know how to deal with uncomfortable situations, he/she will try to avoid them by avoiding family gatherings or meetings with friends and may become socially isolated.

Some tips that may be helpful for the couple in dealing with and answering uncomfortable questions about their fertility or assisted reproductive treatment are as follows:

• Set boundaries about what you want to tell and to whom. However, infertility and assisted reproduction is often a fairly unknown topic. Therefore, it can be a good idea to provide some information, within the established limits, and to express how the couple feels. In this way, other people can better understand the situation and try to empathize.
• Say openly, but politely and respectfully, when a question is upsetting to the couple. Many uncomfortable comments about fertility or assisted reproduction are made without bad intentions and the person who expresses them is not aware that they may be causing harm or pain, since, as we have mentioned, these topics are often unknown. Therefore, in this way, the situation is prevented from happening again.
• Explain that you do not want to constantly talk about it or be asked questions (if this is the partner's decision). In this way, the couple can gradually say what they want to say and what they are comfortable with.
• Decide how you want to respond (or not) to uncomfortable questions and have some thoughtful phrases: “you shouldn't ask something so intimate”, “I'm not going to answer such a private question, I'd rather not talk about it”....

How to answer awkward fertility questions

In addition, the help of a psychologist specialized in infertility can be very useful if the couple considers it convenient.

FAQs from users

Is it normal to feel uncomfortable with questions about your fertility treatment?

Yes, it is completely normal for certain questions related to infertility and assisted reproductive treatment to make a couple uncomfortable. First of all, because it is a very intimate subject, so the couple may feel uncomfortable with these intrusive questions.

On the other hand, managing emotionally everything that a diagnosis of infertility and assisted reproduction treatment entails for the couple is not easy, and there can be an emotional shock because the couple's life project together is cut short. However, it is a fairly unknown subject that leads to the environment, often with good intentions, to make comments that can even be cruel.

How to answer uncomfortable questions about when to have children?

Many couples of reproductive age are asked when they are going to have children, which is always somewhat uncomfortable because it is a subject that belongs to their privacy and they do not have to give explanations.

To answer, if you do not want to give an explanatory answer as to whether or not you want children and when, you can choose to have some prepared answers to make it clear that this question is not comfortable and that you are not going to answer it, such as “I prefer not to talk about something so intimate”.

Recommended reading

During an assisted reproduction treatment, it is common to have doubts about whether or not to tell and to whom. If you want to read some advice about this, we recommend you to visit the following link: Do we tell that we are undergoing fertility treatment? To whom?

On the other hand, the moment when a friend tells you she is pregnant is especially hard when there are fertility problems. In the following article you can find some recommendations for dealing with it: How to deal with your friend's pregnancy if you have fertility problems?